What Happens When You Finally Stop Chasing Approval

The Approval Trap That's Stealing Your Life

Approval addiction isn't just about wanting people to like you. It's about needing external validation to feel okay about yourself. It's about handing over your emotional remote control to everyone else and then wondering why you feel so out of control.

I used to think I was just being "social" or "caring about others' opinions." But the truth was darker: I had become so disconnected from my own sense of self that I needed constant feedback from the outside world to know if I was doing life right.

The scary part? It was working. Kind of. I got the likes, the compliments, the reassurance I was seeking. But it was like drinking salt water when you're thirsty — it never actually satisfied the deeper need, and it left me more desperate than before.

Validation seeking behavior in women often gets disguised as being "nice" or "considerate." We're taught to read the room, to make others comfortable, to be agreeable. But somewhere along the way, many of us crossed the line from being thoughtful to being completely dependent on others' reactions to feel good about ourselves.

The Hidden Ways We Chase Approval

The Social Media Spiral

You know that feeling when you post something and it doesn't get the response you expected? That sinking in your stomach, the immediate regret, the urge to delete it? I lived in that cycle for years. Every photo became a referendum on my worth. Every caption was carefully crafted to hit the perfect tone — funny but not trying too hard, deep but not too serious, relatable but not basic.

I started choosing experiences based on their "postability" rather than whether I actually wanted to do them. I was living my life for an audience of people who barely knew me, while ignoring what actually made me happy.

The Compliment Addiction

Compliments became my drug of choice. I'd fish for them without even realizing it. "I look terrible today" became code for "please tell me I don't." "I'm so bad at this" was really "please reassure me I'm not." I needed constant reassurance that I was pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, good enough.

But here's the twisted part: when someone actually gave me a compliment, I couldn't fully receive it. I'd immediately deflect it or find a way to minimize it because deep down, I didn't believe I deserved it.

The People-Pleasing Performance

You don't have to prove your worth to be loved , but I was convinced that if I could just be perfect enough, helpful enough, agreeable enough, everyone would love me. I said yes to everything, even when I wanted to say no. I agreed with opinions I didn't share. I laughed at jokes that weren't funny.

I was so busy being what I thought people wanted that I lost track of who I actually was. And the exhausting part? It wasn't even working. People could sense something was off, even if they couldn't put their finger on it.

The Moment I Realized I Was Disappearing

The breaking point came during a dinner with friends. We were talking about travel, and someone asked where I wanted to go next. I opened my mouth to answer and... nothing. Not because I didn't have places I wanted to see, but because I was so busy trying to figure out what answer would make me sound interesting, adventurous, and relatable all at once.

I had become so focused on managing everyone else's impression of me that I had no access to my own desires. I was living as a carefully curated version of myself, and the real me was suffocating underneath all that performance.

That night, I went home and deleted my social media apps. Not permanently, but long enough to break the cycle of constant validation-seeking. It was terrifying. Without the steady stream of likes and comments, I felt invisible. But in that silence, something interesting happened: I started to remember who I was when no one was watching.

The Withdrawal Symptoms of Approval Addiction

Stop people pleasing sounds simple in theory, but in practice, it feels like learning to breathe underwater. When you've been dependent on external validation for so long, cutting off that supply creates real withdrawal symptoms.

The Anxiety of Unknown Reactions

When I stopped crafting every text message and email to perfection, I felt naked. Sending a simple, honest response without analyzing how it would be received felt like jumping off a cliff. What if they thought I was rude? What if they misunderstood? What if they didn't like the real me?

The Fear of Being Forgotten

Without constant social media presence, I was convinced people would forget I existed. I had to resist the urge to post random stories just to stay visible. I realized I had confused visibility with value, thinking that if I wasn't constantly performing, I wasn't worth remembering.

The Discomfort of Authentic Feelings

When someone asked how I was, I started saying "actually, I'm struggling with something" instead of "I'm fine!" The first few times, it felt like I was burdening people. But the surprising thing was how many people responded with relief and their own honesty. Apparently, everyone was tired of the performance too.

What Actually Happens When You Stop Chasing Approval

The Silence Is Deafening (At First)

The first week without constantly checking for validation was brutal. I felt like I was shouting into a void. But gradually, that silence became peaceful. I started hearing my own thoughts again. I rediscovered what I actually liked to do when I wasn't performing for an audience.

You Discover Your Real Preferences

I realized I actually hate brunch (too loud, too crowded, too much pressure to look cute while eating), love documentaries about serial killers (apparently I'm morbid), and prefer small gatherings to big parties. These weren't revelations that would change the world, but they were mine.

Your Relationships Get Real

Some people were confused when I stopped being the eternally agreeable friend. A few relationships faded when I started expressing actual opinions instead of just reflecting theirs back to them. But the friendships that survived became so much deeper. Turns out, people actually prefer authentic connection over constant validation.

You Stop Apologizing for Taking Up Space

I used to apologize for everything — my opinions, my needs, my very existence. "Sorry, can I ask you something?" "Sorry, I know you're busy but..." "Sorry for being so needy." When I stopped chasing approval, I also stopped apologizing for being human.

The Surprising Side Effects of Approval Independence

You Become More Attractive (Seriously)

There's something magnetic about someone who isn't trying to impress you. When I stopped desperately needing everyone to like me, people started being more drawn to me. Confidence is attractive, and real confidence comes from self-approval, not external validation.

You Make Better Decisions

When you're not constantly worried about what others will think, you can actually tune into what you want. I changed careers, ended a relationship that wasn't working, and moved to a city I loved instead of one that looked good on paper. Every decision became clearer when I stopped filtering it through other people's opinions.

You Sleep Better

The mental exhaustion that comes from constantly monitoring everyone's reactions is real.
You are not lazy — you are tired of pretending you are okay. When I stopped performing, I had so much more energy. I slept better because I wasn't lying awake replaying conversations and analyzing every interaction.

The Loneliness That Comes Before the Freedom

I won't lie — there's a period of loneliness that comes with breaking free from approval addiction. When you stop being what everyone wants you to be, you might feel like you're disappointing people. Some relationships will shift or end, and that's painful.

But here's what I learned: the loneliness of being authentic is so much better than the loneliness of being approved of for someone you're not. At least when you're alone as yourself, you have good company.

When being strong all the time starts to hurt , it's often because we're exhausted from managing everyone else's emotions and reactions. Breaking free from approval addiction isn't just about stopping people-pleasing — it's about reclaiming your right to exist as you are.

The Practical Steps That Actually Work

Start Small and Specific

I didn't go from approval addict to completely independent overnight. I started with tiny acts of authenticity. Ordering what I actually wanted at restaurants instead of what seemed "normal." Saying "I don't know" when I didn't know instead of pretending I did. Posting photos I liked instead of ones I thought would get the most likes.

Practice the Pause

Before automatically agreeing to something or crafting the "perfect" response, I learned to pause. Just for a few seconds. Long enough to ask myself: "What do I actually think about this?" It's amazing how much you can learn about yourself in those small moments of stillness.

Build Your Own Approval System

I started keeping a list of things I was proud of myself for — not things others praised me for, but things that felt authentic to who I was becoming. "I spoke up in that meeting." "I said no to plans I didn't want to make." "I asked for help when I needed it." Building your own internal approval system takes practice, but it's the most reliable source of validation you'll ever find.

What Your Life Looks Like on the Other Side

Three years later, I still catch myself slipping into old patterns sometimes. The difference is that now I notice it happening and can choose differently. I post on social media when I feel like it, not when I need validation. I have friends who know the real me — the good, the bad, and the beautifully messy.

Most importantly, I like myself. Not because I'm perfect or because everyone approves of me, but because I'm real. I'm present in my own life instead of constantly performing for an audience that was never really paying attention anyway.

The confidence I have now isn't the brittle, approval-dependent confidence I used to chase. It's the quiet, steady confidence that comes from knowing who you are and being okay with that person — even when others aren't.

Signs You're Ready to Stop Chasing Approval

• You're exhausted from constantly monitoring everyone's reactions
• You can't make decisions without consulting multiple people
• Your mood depends on how others respond to you
• You've lost touch with your own preferences and opinions
• You feel like you're performing rather than living
• You're tired of editing yourself to be acceptable

The Freedom You Didn't Know You Were Missing

Breaking free from approval addiction isn't just about stopping people-pleasing. It's about reclaiming your right to exist as you are. It's about trading the exhausting performance of trying to be perfect for everyone else for the peaceful authenticity of being real for yourself.

You don't need everyone to like you. You don't need constant validation to know you're okay. You don't need to perform to be worthy of love and respect.

The approval you've been chasing from everyone else? It was always yours to give yourself. The confidence you've been seeking in others' reactions? It was always waiting inside you.

Your life is not a performance. You are not a product to be marketed or a problem to be solved. You are a human being with inherent worth, deserving of love and respect simply because you exist.

Stop chasing approval. Start chasing authenticity. The freedom waiting for you on the other side is worth every uncomfortable moment of the journey.

Frequently Asked Questions About Breaking Free from Approval Addiction

How do I know if I'm addicted to approval or just care about others' feelings?

Oh, this question hits close to home because I used to tell myself I was just being "considerate" too. Here's the difference: caring about others comes from a place of genuine empathy and choice. Approval addiction comes from fear and compulsion. When I cared about others, I could disagree with them and still love them. When I was addicted to approval, I couldn't risk any conflict because I needed them to like me more than I needed to be honest. If you're constantly editing yourself to avoid negative reactions, you've crossed the line from caring to needing.

What if people don't like the real me?

This was my biggest fear, and honestly, it came true sometimes. A few people did drift away when I stopped being the agreeable version of myself they were used to. But here's what I learned: people who only like you when you're agreeable don't actually like you — they like your compliance. The people who matter will appreciate your authenticity, even when it's messy. And the ones who don't? They were never really your people anyway.

How do I stop caring what people think on social media?

Start by unfollowing accounts that make you feel bad about yourself — you know, those perfectly curated lives that make you question your own choices. Then try posting one thing that's genuinely you without worrying about how it'll be received. Maybe it's a makeup-free selfie, an unpopular opinion, or just a random thought. The first few times feel terrifying, but eventually you realize the world doesn't end when you're not performing. I also started asking myself: "Am I posting this because I want to share it, or because I need validation?" The honest answer usually guided my decision.

What if I lose friends when I stop people-pleasing?

I'm not going to sugarcoat this — some friendships will change or end, and it hurts. I lost a few friends who were comfortable with me being their free therapist and emotional dumping ground. But the friendships that survived became so much richer. My real friends told me they were relieved to finally meet the authentic me. They said they always sensed I was holding back, and they'd been waiting for me to let them in. Quality over quantity became my motto, and I've never been happier with my social circle.

How long does it take to break free from approval addiction?

I wish I could give you a timeline, but healing isn't linear. The first few weeks were the hardest — I felt like I was going through actual withdrawal. After about three months, I started feeling more comfortable with authenticity. A year in, I realized I was making decisions based on what I wanted rather than what would impress others. But even now, two years later, I still catch myself slipping into old patterns sometimes. The difference is that now I notice it happening and can choose differently. Be patient with yourself — breaking lifelong patterns takes time.

What's the difference between confidence and arrogance when you stop seeking approval?

Real confidence is quiet and doesn't need to prove itself. When I stopped chasing approval, I became more confident, but it wasn't the loud, performative kind. I stopped needing to be right all the time, stopped comparing myself to others constantly, and stopped feeling threatened by other people's success. Arrogance, on the other hand, is often insecurity disguised as confidence. If you find yourself putting others down or feeling superior, you might be swinging too far in the other direction. True confidence lifts others up and doesn't need to diminish anyone else to feel secure.