How to Stop Shrinking Yourself to Make Others Comfortable

The Invisible Art of Self-Erasure

Self-suppression in women is an epidemic we barely talk about. It's not dramatic – there's no moment where you consciously decide to become smaller. It happens gradually, in tiny increments that feel like politeness, consideration, or just "being nice."

You laugh softer so you don't seem too loud. You make your ideas sound like suggestions so you don't seem too aggressive. You apologize before speaking, after speaking, and sometimes just for existing in the same space as other people.

You've mastered the art of making yourself digestible for mass consumption. Seasoned down, volume lowered, edges softened until you're palatable for anyone who might be uncomfortable with your full presence.

But here's what I learned after years of shrinking for others: when you make yourself smaller to make others comfortable, you're not actually making anyone comfortable – you're just making yourself invisible.

The Shrinking Starts Early (And It's Not Your Fault)

Most of us learned to shrink before we even knew we were doing it. Maybe you were the little girl who got called "bossy" for having opinions while boys your age were called "leaders." Maybe you learned that being "too much" – too loud, too excited, too smart, too anything – made adults uncomfortable.

Or maybe you figured out that taking up less space meant less conflict, less attention, less risk of being criticized or rejected. Shrinking felt safer than shining, quieter than confrontation, easier than standing your ground.

I remember being eight years old, raising my hand eagerly in class, and hearing a boy mutter, "She always thinks she knows everything." I didn't raise my hand as enthusiastically after that. By high school, I'd learned to preface my answers with "I might be wrong, but..." By college, I was apologizing for having opinions at all.

That's how it starts – with one comment, one eye roll, one moment where your bigness made someone else uncomfortable, and you decided the solution was to be smaller.

The High Cost of Living Small

When you shrink yourself to make others comfortable, you pay a price that compounds over time:

You lose your voice. Not just literally, but the confidence to use it. You start second-guessing every thought, editing every sentence, apologizing for every opinion.

You lose opportunities. Promotions go to people who speak up in meetings. Relationships develop with people who share their authentic selves. Life opens up for people who aren't afraid to take up space.

You lose yourself. This connects deeply to losing yourself in relationships – when you're constantly shapeshifting to make others comfortable, you forget what your natural shape actually is.

You lose respect. Not just from others, but from yourself. It's hard to respect someone who won't advocate for themselves, even when that someone is you.

And here's the kicker: the people you're shrinking for? They're not actually more comfortable. They're just used to you being smaller, and they've gotten comfortable with the privilege of taking up the space you've vacated.

The Difference Between Considerate and Invisible

There's a crucial difference between being considerate and being invisible, between being thoughtful and being self-suppressing.

Considerate looks like: thinking before you speak, reading the room, being mindful of other people's feelings and needs.

Invisible looks like: never disagreeing, constantly apologizing, editing yourself out of conversations, pretending you don't have needs or opinions.

Thoughtful looks like: choosing your words carefully, speaking with intention, considering the impact of your communication.

Self-suppressing looks like: not speaking at all, prefacing every statement with apologies, making yourself smaller so others can feel bigger.

The goal isn't to become inconsiderate or thoughtless. It's to stop confusing self-erasure with kindness. You can be respectful of others while still respecting yourself. You can be mindful of other people's comfort while not sacrificing your own presence.

Why We Shrink (And Why It Feels Like Love)

Shrinking for others often feels like love because we've been taught that love means sacrifice, that caring means self-denial, that being a "good woman" means taking up as little space as possible.

We shrink because we're afraid of being too much. We're afraid of conflict, of criticism, of making others uncomfortable. We're afraid that if we show up fully, people will reject us, leave us, or decide we're not worth the trouble.

Sometimes we shrink because we learned early that our bigness wasn't safe. Maybe expressing enthusiasm got us shut down. Maybe having strong opinions led to punishment. Maybe taking up space resulted in being told we were selfish or attention-seeking.

And sometimes we shrink because we're carrying generations of women who had to make themselves smaller to survive. Their voices live in our nervous systems, whispering that it's safer to be small, easier to be invisible, smarter to stay quiet.

But what worked for survival then is killing us now. The world has changed, and you have permission to change with it.

Reclaiming Your Voice and Your Space

Start with Internal Permission

Before you can stop shrinking externally, you need to give yourself internal permission to be big. This means:

• Permission to have opinions that differ from others
• Permission to take up space in conversations
• Permission to be seen, heard, and noticed
• Permission to be wrong sometimes without it being catastrophic
• Permission to make others slightly uncomfortable with your presence

Reclaiming your voice starts in your own head, with your own thoughts, in your own inner dialogue.

Practice Speaking Without Apologizing

Notice how often you apologize for existing. "Sorry, can I just..." "Sorry to bother you..." "Sorry, I have a question..." "Sorry for having an opinion..."

Challenge yourself to speak without the apology first:

• Instead of "Sorry, but I disagree," try "I see it differently"
• Instead of "Sorry to interrupt," try "I'd like to add something"
• Instead of "Sorry, this might be stupid," try "I have an idea"

Your thoughts, questions, and contributions don't require an apology. They require space, and you're allowed to take it.

Claim Your Physical Space

Shrinking isn't just verbal – it's physical too. Notice how you hold your body:

• Do you make yourself smaller in meetings, crossing your arms and legs?
• Do you step aside when others approach, even when you have the right of way?
• Do you lower your voice automatically in groups?
• Do you avoid eye contact to seem less threatening?

Practice taking up your full physical space. Sit up straight. Make eye contact. Use hand gestures when you speak. Stand your ground when others approach. Your body is allowed to exist fully in space.

Stop Editing Your Enthusiasm

One of the most heartbreaking ways we shrink is by editing our enthusiasm. We dim our excitement because we're afraid it's "too much." We downplay our achievements because we don't want to seem like we're bragging. We contain our joy because someone else might be having a bad day.

But your enthusiasm isn't too much – it's exactly enough. Your excitement about your life isn't bragging – it's celebrating. Your joy doesn't need to be contained to protect other people from their own unhappiness.

Sometimes, protecting your peace means not dimming your light for people who are uncomfortable with brightness.

Set Boundaries Around Your Bigness

People who are used to you being small will resist your growth. They'll call you "aggressive" when you're being assertive. They'll say you've "changed" when you start taking up space. They'll try to guilt you back into smallness because your bigness is inconvenient for them.

This is where boundaries become crucial. You need to protect your right to be big, to be heard, to be seen. This means:

• Not shrinking when someone suggests you're "too much"
• Continuing to speak even when others seem uncomfortable
• Refusing to make yourself smaller to manage other people's insecurities
• Learning to be soft without being walked all over

Your growth might make some people uncomfortable, and that's their work to do, not yours.

The Relationship Between Shrinking and Exhaustion

Here's something nobody talks about: shrinking is exhausting. Constantly monitoring yourself, editing your responses, making yourself smaller – it takes enormous energy to maintain a performance of smallness.

When you stop shrinking, you free up all that energy you were using to contain yourself. Suddenly you have bandwidth for creativity, for joy, for the things that actually matter to you. This connects to learning how to do less and heal more – sometimes doing less performing means having more energy for living.

The exhaustion you feel from constantly managing your presence, monitoring your volume, editing your enthusiasm – that's not life. That's performance. And you can stop performing any time you choose.

What Happens When You Stop Shrinking

When you start taking up your full space, speaking at your natural volume, sharing your unedited thoughts, something magical happens:

You attract people who appreciate your full presence. The right people aren't threatened by your bigness – they're inspired by it. They don't need you to be smaller – they celebrate your full size.

You repel people who need you to be small. This might feel scary at first, but it's actually a gift. People who require you to shrink to be comfortable around you were never really comfortable with you – they were comfortable with your performance of smallness.

You remember who you are. When you stop editing yourself constantly, you start to remember your natural thoughts, your genuine reactions, your authentic responses. You remember what your voice sounds like when it's not filtered through the need to make others comfortable.

You inspire other women to stop shrinking too. Your bigness gives other women permission to be big. Your voice encourages other women to speak up. Your space-taking shows other women that there's room for all of us to be fully ourselves.

The Ripple Effect of Your Full Presence

When you stop shrinking yourself, you don't just change your own life – you change the lives of everyone around you. You show your daughters that women can be big, loud, and unapologetic. You show your friends that they don't have to edit themselves to be lovable. You show your colleagues that women can take up space without apology.

Your full presence becomes a permission slip for other women to stop shrinking too. Your voice becomes a reminder that women have valuable things to say. Your space-taking becomes evidence that there's room for all of us to be our full selves.

The Permission You've Been Waiting For

You don't need anyone's permission to stop shrinking, but in case you're waiting for it, here it is:

You have permission to be big, loud, and unapologetic. You have permission to take up space, to have opinions, to speak without apologizing first. You have permission to be enthusiastic, to celebrate your wins, to shine your light at full brightness.

You have permission to make others slightly uncomfortable with your presence. You have permission to be too much for people who are used to you being too little.

You have permission to stop editing yourself to fit into other people's comfort zones. You have permission to be your full self, even when – especially when – it makes others question why they're still shrinking.

The world doesn't need another small woman. It needs you – all of you, at full volume, full brightness, full power.

So stop apologizing for existing. Stop dimming your light. Stop making yourself smaller to make others bigger.

Take up your space. Use your voice. Be magnificently, unapologetically, fully yourself.

The people who matter will adjust. The people who don't adjust will show you exactly why you needed to stop shrinking in the first place.

You were never meant to be small. It's time to remember how big you really are.

FAQ: Growing Into Your Full Presence

How do I know if I'm being assertive or just being aggressive?

The difference between assertive and aggressive lies in intention and respect. Assertive communication respects both your needs and others' – you're clear about what you want without attacking or diminishing others. Aggressive communication prioritizes your needs while disregarding others' feelings or rights. If you're expressing yourself clearly while still being respectful, asking for what you need without putting others down, and stating your boundaries without being cruel, you're being assertive. Self-suppression in women is so common that many of us mistake normal assertiveness for aggression because we're so used to being small. Trust that most of the time, if you're worried about being too aggressive, you're probably just being appropriately assertive.

What do I do when people say I've "changed" after I stop shrinking?

When people say you've "changed" after you stop shrinking for others, they're usually mourning the loss of their ability to overshadow you. The version of you they miss was more convenient for them – she didn't challenge them, compete with them, or require them to make space. Your growth is highlighting their own discomfort with taking up space. Respond with something like "Yes, I'm growing" or "I'm becoming more myself" and don't let their discomfort pull you back into smallness. The people who truly love you will adjust to your growth; the ones who can't adjust were benefiting from your shrinking.

How do I start reclaiming my voice without feeling overwhelming anxiety?

Reclaiming your voice after years of shrinking can trigger anxiety because your nervous system is used to staying small for safety. Start incredibly small – practice having an opinion about what to order at restaurants, or share one genuine thought in low-stakes conversations. Build up your tolerance gradually. Notice that nothing terrible happens when you express yourself authentically. Practice breathing exercises before speaking up, and remind yourself that your thoughts and opinions have value. Consider therapy if the anxiety feels overwhelming – sometimes there are deeper reasons why speaking up feels dangerous, and working through those with a professional can help you reclaim your voice more safely.