Healing is Messy , You Don't Have to Get it Right

The Night I Cried Over a Grocery Store Playlist

I was standing in aisle seven of Target, holding a box of cereal, when a song came on that I hadn't heard in years. Suddenly, I was sobbing in the middle of the snack aisle, overwhelmed by a memory I thought I'd "dealt with" months ago.

A woman asked if I was okay, and through my tears, I found myself apologizing. "I'm sorry, I'm fine, I'm just... I thought I was past this. I've been working so hard on my healing, and I just..."

She smiled gently and said, "Honey, healing isn't a straight line. Sometimes it's a grocery store breakdown. That's okay too."

Standing there with mascara probably running down my face, clutching my cereal like a lifeline, I realized I had been trying to heal "correctly." I had been treating my healing journey like a performance, like there was a right way to do it and I was failing every time I had a setback.

If you've ever felt like you're not healing fast enough, well enough, or right enough, this one's for you.

The Myth of Perfect Healing

Somewhere along the way, I bought into the myth that healing should be linear. That once you "deal with" something, it stays dealt with. That there's a correct timeline for getting over trauma, heartbreak, or pain. That if you're still struggling with something you thought you'd healed from, you must be doing it wrong.

Social media doesn't help. We see carefully curated posts about healing journeys that look like straight lines from broken to whole, complete with before-and-after photos and inspirational quotes. We don't see the grocery store breakdowns, the 2 AM anxiety spirals, or the days when you feel like you're back at square one.

Imperfect healing is the only real healing. The kind where you make progress, slip backward, make more progress, get triggered by something random, have a breakthrough, then question everything you thought you knew about yourself. It's messy, non-linear, and frustratingly human.

The Spiral Staircase of Emotional Recovery

I used to think of healing as climbing a mountain — a steady upward climb where you leave problems behind as you ascend. But healing is more like a spiral staircase. You circle around the same issues, but each time you're at a higher level, with more perspective, more tools, and more understanding.

You might find yourself dealing with the same trust issues, the same self-doubt, the same patterns — but you're not back where you started. You're approaching them from a different place, with different awareness. The fact that you recognize the pattern is growth. The fact that you're tired of your own shit is progress.

I remember panicking when I found myself having the same conversation with my therapist that I'd had six months earlier. "I thought I was over this," I said. "I thought I'd moved past needing to talk about my mother."

"Moving past doesn't mean never thinking about it again," she said. "It means thinking about it differently. It means not being controlled by it in the same way."

When You're Not Healing Fast Enough

Our culture has a weird obsession with speed. We want fast food, fast internet, fast results. We've applied this same urgency to emotional recovery, as if healing should follow the same timeline as a broken bone or a software update.

But emotional wounds don't have a standard healing time. There's no WebMD for heartbreak that says "symptoms should resolve in 6-8 weeks." There's no timeline for getting over trauma that says "if you're still having nightmares after three months, you're doing it wrong."

I learned that I didn't need to be in crisis to deserve care, and I also learned that I didn't need to be "healed" to deserve patience with myself. The pressure to heal quickly was just another way I was being cruel to myself.

Some days, healing looks like having a breakthrough in therapy. Other days, it looks like crying in Target. Both are valid. Both are part of the process.

The Setback Shame Spiral

One of the most damaging aspects of trying to heal "correctly" is the shame that comes with setbacks. You have a panic attack after months of feeling stable, and suddenly you're convinced you've lost all your progress. You react to something in an old pattern, and you decide you're broken beyond repair.

I used to treat setbacks like evidence that I was failing at healing. Now I try to treat them like information. What triggered this? What do I need right now? What can I learn from this reaction?

The shame spiral goes like this: You have a setback → You feel ashamed about having the setback → You beat yourself up for feeling ashamed → You feel hopeless about your ability to heal → You have another setback because you're stressed about the first one.

Breaking this cycle means accepting that setbacks are part of the process, not proof that you're broken. It means treating yourself with the same compassion you'd show a friend who was struggling.

The Comparison Trap

When you're always the listener for everyone else's problems , you get a front-row seat to other people's healing journeys. And it's easy to fall into the comparison trap: "She got over her breakup so much faster than me." "He seems to have figured out his anxiety while I'm still a mess." "Everyone else seems to be handling their trauma better than I am."

But you're not seeing their whole story. You're seeing their highlight reel, not their grocery store breakdowns. You're seeing their victories, not their 3 AM doubt spirals. You're seeing their progress, not their setbacks.

Your healing journey is yours. It doesn't need to look like anyone else's. It doesn't need to follow anyone else's timeline. It doesn't need to be Instagram-worthy or inspiration-porn ready.

What Messy Healing Actually Looks Like

Real healing is having good days and bad days, sometimes in the same hour. It's making progress and then wondering if you imagined it. It's having insights in the shower and forgetting them by lunch. It's crying over things you thought you were "over" and then laughing at how ridiculous you feel.

Messy healing is:

• Setting a boundary and then immediately second-guessing yourself
• Having a breakthrough and then waiting for the other shoe to drop
• Feeling confident one day and completely lost the next
• Learning to say no without explaining yourself and then over-explaining the next time
• Understanding something intellectually but still struggling with it emotionally
• Taking two steps forward and one step back, repeatedly

This isn't failure. This is human. This is normal. This is how change actually happens.

The Permission to Heal Imperfectly

Here's what I need you to know: You don't have to get healing right. You don't have to follow a perfect timeline. You don't have to have linear progress. You don't have to be an inspiration to anyone.

You have permission to heal messily. You have permission to have setbacks. You have permission to struggle with the same things multiple times. You have permission to not have it all figured out.

You're allowed to want more — more time, more patience, more grace for yourself. You're allowed to want a different timeline than the one you're on. You're allowed to want healing to be easier than it is.

But you're also allowed to accept that it's not. You're allowed to accept that healing is messy, imperfect, and non-linear. You're allowed to accept that you're doing the best you can with what you have right now.

Tools for Navigating the Mess

When you're in the thick of messy healing, here are some things that have helped me:

Zoom out. When you're focused on today's setback, it's easy to forget how far you've come. Look at the bigger picture. How were you handling this same issue a year ago? Six months ago? Even a month ago?

Collect evidence of your growth. Keep a list of small wins, moments of progress, times you handled something differently. When you're in a setback, this evidence can remind you that you're not stuck.

Talk to yourself like a friend. What would you say to a friend who was struggling with what you're struggling with? Why is it so easy to extend compassion to others but so hard to extend it to ourselves?

Remember that healing isn't about perfection. It's about increasing your capacity to handle life's challenges. It's about developing more tools, more awareness, more resilience. It's not about never being triggered again.

Self-Reflection: Where Are You Being Too Hard on Yourself?

Take a moment to honestly assess:

• Where are you expecting perfection from your healing journey?
• What timeline are you trying to force yourself to follow?
• How are you treating yourself when you have setbacks?
• What evidence do you have of your growth that you're forgetting?
• Where are you comparing your healing to someone else's?

These questions aren't meant to judge you — they're meant to help you see where you might be adding unnecessary pressure to an already challenging process.

The Beauty of Imperfect Progress

There's something beautiful about accepting that healing is messy. It takes the pressure off. It allows you to be human. It lets you have bad days without deciding you're a failure. It lets you celebrate small wins without waiting for the big transformation.

Your healing journey doesn't have to look like anyone else's. It doesn't have to be linear or perfect or Instagram-worthy. It just has to be yours.

You're not broken. You're not failing. You're not taking too long or doing it wrong. You're human, and humans heal messily, imperfectly, and beautifully.

Your Next Compassionate Step

I'm not going to tell you to love yourself perfectly or to stop having setbacks. That's not realistic, and it's not helpful. Instead, I'm going to ask you to be a little gentler with yourself today.

When you notice yourself being critical of your healing process, try talking to yourself like you would a good friend. When you have a setback, try treating it as information rather than evidence of failure. When you feel like you're not healing fast enough, try remembering that there's no deadline for becoming whole.

Your healing journey is valid exactly as it is. Messy, imperfect, non-linear, and beautifully human.

What would change if you stopped trying to heal "correctly"? What would it feel like to give yourself permission to heal messily? Your perfectly imperfect healing journey is exactly what it needs to be.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if I'm making progress if healing isn't linear?

Progress in healing isn't always about feeling better — it's about increased awareness, better coping skills, and stronger resilience. Look for subtle changes: noticing triggers sooner, recovering from setbacks faster, having more compassion for yourself, or handling similar situations with different responses.

What if I keep cycling through the same issues over and over?

Cycling through the same issues is normal in healing — think of it as a spiral staircase rather than a broken record. Each time you encounter the same issue, you're approaching it from a different level with more tools and awareness. The fact that you recognize the pattern is actually growth.

How do I handle the shame when I have setbacks?

Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation. When you have a setback, try to normalize it by talking to someone you trust or reminding yourself that setbacks are part of the process. Treat yourself with the same compassion you'd show a friend going through a difficult time.

Is it normal to feel like I'm not healing fast enough?

Absolutely. Our culture pushes speed and efficiency in everything, but emotional healing can't be rushed. There's no timeline for processing trauma, grief, or significant life changes. Your healing is happening at exactly the pace it needs to, even when it feels frustratingly slow.

How do I stop comparing my healing to others' progress?

Remember that you only see others' highlight reels, not their full stories. Everyone's healing journey is unique based on their experiences, resources, and circumstances. Focus on your own progress markers rather than external comparisons, and limit exposure to social media content that triggers comparison.

What if I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better?

Sometimes healing feels like getting worse before it gets better because you're becoming more aware of patterns and pain you previously ignored. This increased awareness can feel overwhelming but is actually a sign of progress. If you're consistently struggling, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for support.